Always and Never

"You never..." or "You always..." You know those generalization statements are two of the Top 10 things to never, ever, ever say to your spouse? Because first of all, always? Really, always? Or never? That is a pretty huge generalization. Talk about an exaggeration, so right off the bat we're talking about an untruth. These types of comments are made always - yes, always - as a cut down. You never hear at the end of that statement "You always tell me you love me" or "You never fail to encourage me in all I do." They are always blanket critiques of a spouse to come around to your way of thinking or chip away at their character.

But let's look at it from the other side for just a minute. If your spouse is making such a broad statement, is there a shred of truth in that whatever you are being criticized for? If your spouse feels the need to use the terms "you always" or "you never," you may be doing said problem more often than you should.

So here's the solution: don't generalize. It's demeaning, inflated and critical. If you are frustrated that your spouse "Never makes the bed," "Never rinses off the dishes," "Always make us late," or "Always leaves the cap off the toothpaste," find a way to comment without critiquing. "Honey, the toothpaste gets hard if you leave the cap off. Could you take a few seconds to put that back on?" Or "It's frustrating for me to be the one to always make the bed and it makes the room look tidier when it's made. Could you help me do it or do it every other day?" Now that doesn't mean you'll get a positive response, but then at least you haven't cut your spouse down, but rather asked kindly for help and given a reason for it. And if you don't see results, that is when you get on your knees as ask God to do a work. He's much better at it anyways. Just know when you ask, He may flip the situation around to do the work in you, especially if you are being overly critical or picky.

The other half of that solution is - for crying out loud - listen to your spouse. There is a reason they feel exasperated enough to make such a sweeping statement, so hear what they have to say, and make adjustments. It will probably only take a short period of time to do so, leading to more peace and sweetness in the relationship.

What does the Bible have to say about always and never? This: "Always be joyful. Never stop praying." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 (New Living Translation). The only time we want to hear you say "you always" or "you never" is when it's followed by a word of edification.

Discussion: Have you ever been on the receiving end of a "you always" or "you never" statement? How did it make you feel? Do you ever say it?

Prayer: Father, we pray we never make such statements as above and instead communicate in love to one another. Help us to be good listeners to our spouse and encouragers. In Jesus we pray, Amen.