Say What You Mean/Mean What You Say

After Daddy and I had a Chinese dinner out recently, I looked across the parking lot to a craft store as I asked him this question: "Do you want to go to Michael's with me for just a minute to get some more glitter for the wedding?" (Yes, Rob, more glitter - think we've capped it at 24 ounces. You're good to go. :) To which Brad responded, "Do I want to? No."

We giggle about these interchanges all the time. I ask him if he wants to, he responds that he doesn't, conversation over. But honestly, I know Brad doesn't do craft stores. He doesn't do much shopping of any kind. So to ask him if he wants to is just asking for a "no." It is important from a communication standpoint that I ask him correctly. Something more like, "Would you please go with me to Michael's? I need to pick something up, and I would love for you to go with me." Very different question. And harder to say no to.

Brad and I have learned throughout the years it is important to be precise in communication to one another. And we are great communicators, so for us to not get the point across correctly, is pretty rare. But it is just how different brains are wired. For example, when a woman says to a friend while visiting her house, "I love that chair! It's gorgeous," the husband hears, "She's wants the chair. How much is the chair? Where do I find a chair like that?" Whereas the woman may truly just be commenting about how pretty the chair is. If a friend asks if you want to go to a movie and you respond that you can't because money is tight right now, the husband hears "She doesn't think I can provide for her." I know it sounds strange to seem to leap from one thought to that, but men are designed to be completers and solution finders, so instantly their mind goes there.

Likewise, when ladies ask their husbands, "Do these pants make me look fat?" believe it or not, they really want to know. "Huge," is not the wise response, though. Something more along the lines of "Those are not the best pants," might be a better response. Then it's the pant's fault and not your wife.

So is mind-reading the solution? No, it's important to understand how the other person's mind works, but equally so to say what you mean and mean what you say. If I comment on something a person has, I always turn to your Daddy and say, "That doesn't mean I want one." Then his mind is at ease. And I try very carefully to not say something that he could misinterpret as a criticism of him as a husband. It requires some forethought, but good gracious, no one gets in trouble for thinking before they speak.

By the way, Michael's did not have what we needed, so I asked my sweet husband, "Would you mind if we went to Hobby Lobby to check there?" To which he responded, "Yes, I would mind, but if you really want to go then I'll take you." And he did.

Discussion: Are there examples of when you each said something which was misinterpreted by the other? Are you conscious of how the other person's mind works in communication?

Prayer: We thank you, Father, that we are wired differently from each other. You have gifted each of us with different skills, and we praise Your name for that. Help us to be understanding of one another, to clearly state what we mean when speaking to one another and to equally be patient in responding to make sure we've comprehended what was asked or said. We love you and glorify your name always. In Jesus, Amen.