Help Me Understand

A husband told us recently that he just learned something new about his wife. It was a key piece of information about something she had to deal with in her past which has affected how she's responded to many situations in their marriage. It helped explain a lot of misunderstood times of communication for the couple and gave them a chance to reevaluate how they would handle future similar situations with grace, empathy and understanding. The sad part was it took years for this information to come forward, which if shared earlier would have prevented a lot of heartache and helped the couple be more understanding of each other.

We believe married couples need to have an open line of communication. Brad and I share everything with each other. We are both pretty good communicators, so sharing between us has been easy. Daddy has shared about things that have happened in his life that have shaped who he is and how he responds to specific situations, and I have done likewise. Having this information has helped us be more understanding of responses that might otherwise have seemed out of place or even quirky. So communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't keep things from each other. You may have no idea how what you have gone through in your life is affecting your behavior today. And lack of information puts your spouse at an unfair disadvantage.

Likewise, when your spouse reacts in a way that does not make sense to you, gently ask why they are responding in such a way. And be understanding of the answer you receive. As Brad would say, "walk a mile in their shoes so you understand," and as the Bible would say - go the extra mile, too. Matthew 5:41 says, "and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile," meaning, go out of your way for your beloved. They are worth it.

"I don't want to talk about it," is not a good nor helpful response. Neither is "just cause." If you love your spouse-to-be, help them understand you. Another help could be taking the Keirsey Temperment Sorter - a personality test from the book Please Understand Me that may help you figure out each other (let alone yourselves) and foster good conversation between the two of you.

Talk to each other. If you want your spouse to understand you, share your deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences. And remember that half of communication is being a good listener. Then be gracious enough to keep that information between yourselves. It will help experiences in your relationship make much more sense.

Discussion: Have you taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter? What did you learn about each other? How is the communication between you both. Are their circumstances in your life that would help your future spouse know and understand you better?

Prayer: Lord God, we thank you that you have made us uniquely who we are and we pray we have the patience to learn more about each other and understand where we are coming from. Help us to be good listeners. And may our words be uplifting and supportive in response. In Jesus we pray, Amen.

What Do You Expect?

You can't expect your spouse to know what you are thinking. You cannot expect your spouse to meet your every need or want. You cannot expect your spouse to change into what you are expecting. You cannot expect your spouse to meet your expectations, especially if they have no clue what those expectations are. And you cannot set those expectations high.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who was telling me about advice she gave her daughers about husbands. She said to them, "They do not change. You cannot change them. What you see is what you get, so you better be sure it's what you want."

Now we would agree with her to point. Firstly, we would say any person who enters into a relationship thinking they can change the other person, train them to do something differently or mold them into something else they want is setting themselves up for years and years of heart break. It just isn't realistic. However, we do believe that with God all things are possible (Mark 9:23). So if there are attributes you wish to see bettered in your future spouse, you can certainly petition God and ask Him to do a work in them. After all, I prayed God would bring my sweet husband into a personal relationship with Christ, but understand it took 19 years for him to get there. Worth it, yes, but that's a long time to wait for a change that I could not force or instill in him myself.

However, you can communicate to each other about what you are hoping for in your relationship, and we recommend you do that early and often. Have a dialogue to see if it's possible to meet expectations you have for one another, whether in household chores, celebrations, parenting, career and church commitments. Be honest and open. Never assume the other should already know what you want and be meeting that. Communicate, communicate, communicate. And do it with gentleness and love. Remember it's about mutually benefiting one another and building each other up as you make this earthly journey together.

Discussion: Do you have certain expectations for your spouse? Are you willing to patiently wait for change?

Prayer: Lord, we thank you for the expectations you put on us: to do justice, love kindness,and walk humbly with you (Micah 6:8). May we do that always, and not set ourselves so high that we falsely expect others to achieve or reach what we cannot even attain. In Jesus, Amen.

Apples Of Gold

The other day, I was out to breakfast with several friends and we were chatting away sharing all the things going on in our lives. There was much laughter as our stories were pretty goofy. Next to us was an elderly couple who had obviously been together for years. They sat in silence eating their scrambled eggs and hashbrown casserole. They may very well have been listening in to our conversations, which would have provided them with much comic relief. But I couldn't help but wonder if they didn't know each other so well that they just didn't have anything to say to one another. And it made me a little sad. I thought to myself that I hoped your Daddy and I would never, ever be sitting together having a meal where we didn't have anything to share with each other.

Aunt Jodi and I were talking about that, and she made a very interesting comment. She said, "I would rather see an old couple together not speaking than a young couple together both on their cellphones." Woo hoo, isn't that the truth? I see many, many people of your generation sitting at meals together not interacting with one another but rather focused on the technology a hand. Most people are wise enough to realize that focusing on electronics while in the company of others is flat out rude. The Father designed us to enjoy social interaction, thus the love of social networking, but as God knew this generation of high-tech communication was coming (nothing surprises the Lord), I do not think he wants us to ignore the souls in our presence for those who are not (unless, of course it is an emergency).

You may want to make it a rule to not use cellphones at the dinner table, so you can focus on each other. It is just common courtesy. But let's say that is the rule already for you ... at the beginning of this devotion I commented about the fact that this older couple was not speaking to one another. I pray you always have something to share with each other. If that means you take up a new hobby or volunteer somewhere, do it. You want to have new things to share with one another.

Communication is so important, and as you are each other's best friends, make an effort to invest in it sharing stories and uplifting one another. If you have to create a conversation jar with questions in it, do so. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Pleasant words are a honey comb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." And Proverbs 25:11 says, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Have sweet conversations. It's fun, you will learn more and be socializing as we were intended.

Discussion: Do you have any problem having conversations? Do you think silence when you are together is a good thing? What are ways you can drum up conversations? Do you have trouble putting down electronics when together?

Prayer: Father, we are blessed to be able to communicate with you through prayer. Lord, I pray we make an effort to be in the moment and enjoy the company of those around us. In Jesus name, Amen.

Muskrat Love

Anton's girlfriend, Kayla, took a Facebook survey today to see which Disney Princess wedding gown would be right for her. She got Ellie from the movie Up. The description went on to explain why that dress was right for her. As she began to explain it to Anton, he interrupted her and said, "Ellie was the adventurer, right? So that makes you an adventurer!" She tried to finish what she was saying but he interrupted her again and didn't let her finish. She couldn't get to the point she wanted to share which was, "You’re not into frills or anything over the top, which is why Ellie’s dress is perfect for you. There’s a beauty in its simplicity, and you know the most important thing on your wedding day is not what you wear, but who you will be spending your adventure through life with." Since he kept talking and wouldn't let her share it, she shouted, "Muskrat!"

Now that may sound like a strange thing to mutter in the middle of this moment, but it got Tone to instantly be quiet, let it go and let her speak. Apparently Kayla had shared a story with Anton recently about her grandmother, Nana, and her step-grandfather, Mr. Harold, who have this code word for when to drop what is being discussed or argued about and truly listen to one another. That word is "Muskrat." We have another friend that uses the same method in her marriage when discussions get slightly off kilter. They have a code word as well to kind of center themselves.

Your Daddy and I do not have a code word, but when hearing this story from Kayla we thought it might be something good to not only try but to share with you both. That would indicate in a loving way to each other that you need to be better listeners, back off a bit and try again in love. The word, of course, doesn't have to be "Muskrat." You can pick any word you want. We giggled when we heard the word muskrat because I reminded us of the Captain and Tennille song "Muskrat Love" from 1976 about two muskrats that get engaged after doing the Jitterbug. (Yeah, you'll have to google it.) We are still picking our word.

It may just be a wonderful way for the two of you to center your communication. Give it a whirl. Secret code words between couples are pretty precious anyways.

Discussion: Do you think a code word would help you both in arguments or discussion that take a wrong turn? What would be a good code word for you both?

Prayer: Lord God, sometimes in communicating the subject at hand gets lost in the discussion. We pray first and foremost that we are good listeners and are patient with one another. We love you, Father. In Jesus, Amen.

Nuts Job

Christmas day was a true test of couples communication. Daddy and I, Kayla and Anton and Ayla and Rob played in teams in the card game of Nuts (I have heard it described as Solitaire on steroids). It was hilarious watching each couple determine who should do what part in strategy. One would handle the 10-card Nuts deck or one would operate the leftover Solitaire deck and both would work the center Aces. It was fascinating to see how couples communicated with one another about who would get those jobs, how the jobs were being handled and how folks thought the play the game was going. For your Daddy and I, we played well together, but we had different strategies, and I could see Daddy getting frustrated with mine, saying that it "handcuffed us." I watched as Rob and Ayla's success led to a little peck of a kiss after each hand and a whisper of "good job." How Kayla and Anton had not established a job for each person at the beginning, which led to confusion during the play of the game as each tried to do both. As soon as that was determined, everything went well.

You could see during the play of the game who the decision makers were, who got frustrated easier, who was the encourager and who was more competitive. It was a fascinating study on each couple's chemistry, love for one another and roles each played. Initially all three couples struggled with both role accepting, communication and control of the game, but each slipped into what worked for them pretty quickly. It was not always successful in the play of the game, but the dynamics were fine.

Scripture says for wives to be submissive to their husbands for the husband is the head of the wife. And for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. It's all in Ephesians 5:25-33 as written by Paul. It's a beautiful symbiotic relationship which when out of kilter, doesn't promote growth. A lot of women will balk at the above instruction by Paul, including myself sometimes, but it truly works beautifully. If the husband gives completely of himself for his wife, what wife wouldn't submit to her husband's guidance?

Now that is nice and simple, but wives and husbands have different talents, thus each will take the lead in various circumstances that need taken care of. Just as Ayla was about to hang her new key hook on the wall she commented, "I don't think I have the technical skills for this. I'll wait for Rob to get back and do this." And to watch you both in the kitchen determine who makes better this or that, is a hoot. But you will find your rhythm. If anything needs fixed in our house, I'm going to be the one to do it. If anything needs planned or packed, it's going to be your Daddy that handles it. You will be a team and it's important that you work well together. From what I saw Christmas day, all looks well.

Now if I could just figure out Daddy's strategy in Nuts ...

Discussion: What are each of your strong traits in life? What do you think of the Scripture in Ephesians 5?

Prayer: Lord you have brought two folks with two completely different personalities together. You have designed marriage to be a lovely flow of strengths to compliment each other. Help us to find what works for us and to be encouragers of each other. In Jesus name. Amen.

Say What You Mean/Mean What You Say

After Daddy and I had a Chinese dinner out recently, I looked across the parking lot to a craft store as I asked him this question: "Do you want to go to Michael's with me for just a minute to get some more glitter for the wedding?" (Yes, Rob, more glitter - think we've capped it at 24 ounces. You're good to go. :) To which Brad responded, "Do I want to? No."

We giggle about these interchanges all the time. I ask him if he wants to, he responds that he doesn't, conversation over. But honestly, I know Brad doesn't do craft stores. He doesn't do much shopping of any kind. So to ask him if he wants to is just asking for a "no." It is important from a communication standpoint that I ask him correctly. Something more like, "Would you please go with me to Michael's? I need to pick something up, and I would love for you to go with me." Very different question. And harder to say no to.

Brad and I have learned throughout the years it is important to be precise in communication to one another. And we are great communicators, so for us to not get the point across correctly, is pretty rare. But it is just how different brains are wired. For example, when a woman says to a friend while visiting her house, "I love that chair! It's gorgeous," the husband hears, "She's wants the chair. How much is the chair? Where do I find a chair like that?" Whereas the woman may truly just be commenting about how pretty the chair is. If a friend asks if you want to go to a movie and you respond that you can't because money is tight right now, the husband hears "She doesn't think I can provide for her." I know it sounds strange to seem to leap from one thought to that, but men are designed to be completers and solution finders, so instantly their mind goes there.

Likewise, when ladies ask their husbands, "Do these pants make me look fat?" believe it or not, they really want to know. "Huge," is not the wise response, though. Something more along the lines of "Those are not the best pants," might be a better response. Then it's the pant's fault and not your wife.

So is mind-reading the solution? No, it's important to understand how the other person's mind works, but equally so to say what you mean and mean what you say. If I comment on something a person has, I always turn to your Daddy and say, "That doesn't mean I want one." Then his mind is at ease. And I try very carefully to not say something that he could misinterpret as a criticism of him as a husband. It requires some forethought, but good gracious, no one gets in trouble for thinking before they speak.

By the way, Michael's did not have what we needed, so I asked my sweet husband, "Would you mind if we went to Hobby Lobby to check there?" To which he responded, "Yes, I would mind, but if you really want to go then I'll take you." And he did.

Discussion: Are there examples of when you each said something which was misinterpreted by the other? Are you conscious of how the other person's mind works in communication?

Prayer: We thank you, Father, that we are wired differently from each other. You have gifted each of us with different skills, and we praise Your name for that. Help us to be understanding of one another, to clearly state what we mean when speaking to one another and to equally be patient in responding to make sure we've comprehended what was asked or said. We love you and glorify your name always. In Jesus, Amen.

The Lord Watch Between Me and Thee

Today is a bittersweet day for the two of you. Ayla is heading to Pittsburgh for four weeks of job training and Rob is off to Boston for a few days to visit family, so it means a month away from each other. That's the bitter. The sweet, is that you both get to visit family. How grateful we are that my mom and sister extended an invitation for Ayla to spend this time with them. Having never lived near our parents during our entire marriage, Ayla and Anton never got to spend quantity time with their grandparents. They were blessed to have one or two visits a year with them. So to be able to have four weeks to glean all kinds of wisdom and make memories will be such a blessing.

But I think that's the lesson of time together. It's the memories you make. Brad and I have always strived to make every place we live and every moment we can an adventure and sweet memory. Let's face it, you have only one life, so it's important to make the most of every opportunity. And as we age, we realize some of the things we did with such ease and expediency are not so much any more. So really enjoy these young years you have. Make the most of every moment and just breathe in all the Lord has for you that day. And be aware of the souls He has placed in your path every moment.

As for the time apart, well, you both have had several of those moments from the very beginning of your relationship with Ayla in Bar Harbor and Rob in Martha's Vineyard, to Ayla in Sarasota before Rob joined you there last fall, and then Ayla's most recent six weeks in Cleveland. You both know how to handle time apart. I don't know about you both, but for Brad and I it's like our heart is stretched out between two places. We do not like to be apart. And in our engagement we were apart for five months prior to our wedding with only love letters and the occasional very expensive long-distance phone call that lasted just a few minutes for communication. Technology has came a long way since then! In those extended absences for you both, find time to pray together and communicate as often as you can. Both Daddy and I have a stack of love notes we've saved from over the years. It never gets old. Heck, I even keep a message from your Daddy singing "You Are My Sunshine" on my phone perpetually so I can hear his voice anytime I want to hear him.

Save the deep discussions for face-to-face conversations, so you can see each other's body language. Phone conversations eliminate body language, and texts and emails further limit communication taking out intonation and emphasis. It's far too easy to misinterpret communication when it isn't face-to-face. That goes not just for when you are apart for significant periods of time, but for the rest of your lives together. Save important discussions for when you can see each other face-to-face. That way you have each other's complete attention. But you can shoot an "I love you" any time of day in every kind of way. Those three words are probably the most effective and perfectly concise way to communicate without fail and warms the heart every time.

We pray you both enjoy your visits with family, making wonderful memories there. You will certainly have much to share with each other after these adventures! We love you!

Discuss: What ways of communication over long distances do each of you prefer (texts, phone calls, love letters)? Share the high and low of your day.

Prayer: Our Father, thank you for the myriads of ways we can communicate today quickly and more efficiently. We know how important it is to communicate to keep a relationship connected - just as it is important for us to communicate with You on a regular basis. We love you, Father God. Please keep your angel armies around Ayla and Rob and keep them safe while they are apart, one from the other. (Gen. 31:49) In Jesus name, Amen.