Help Me Understand

A husband told us recently that he just learned something new about his wife. It was a key piece of information about something she had to deal with in her past which has affected how she's responded to many situations in their marriage. It helped explain a lot of misunderstood times of communication for the couple and gave them a chance to reevaluate how they would handle future similar situations with grace, empathy and understanding. The sad part was it took years for this information to come forward, which if shared earlier would have prevented a lot of heartache and helped the couple be more understanding of each other.

We believe married couples need to have an open line of communication. Brad and I share everything with each other. We are both pretty good communicators, so sharing between us has been easy. Daddy has shared about things that have happened in his life that have shaped who he is and how he responds to specific situations, and I have done likewise. Having this information has helped us be more understanding of responses that might otherwise have seemed out of place or even quirky. So communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't keep things from each other. You may have no idea how what you have gone through in your life is affecting your behavior today. And lack of information puts your spouse at an unfair disadvantage.

Likewise, when your spouse reacts in a way that does not make sense to you, gently ask why they are responding in such a way. And be understanding of the answer you receive. As Brad would say, "walk a mile in their shoes so you understand," and as the Bible would say - go the extra mile, too. Matthew 5:41 says, "and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile," meaning, go out of your way for your beloved. They are worth it.

"I don't want to talk about it," is not a good nor helpful response. Neither is "just cause." If you love your spouse-to-be, help them understand you. Another help could be taking the Keirsey Temperment Sorter - a personality test from the book Please Understand Me that may help you figure out each other (let alone yourselves) and foster good conversation between the two of you.

Talk to each other. If you want your spouse to understand you, share your deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences. And remember that half of communication is being a good listener. Then be gracious enough to keep that information between yourselves. It will help experiences in your relationship make much more sense.

Discussion: Have you taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter? What did you learn about each other? How is the communication between you both. Are their circumstances in your life that would help your future spouse know and understand you better?

Prayer: Lord God, we thank you that you have made us uniquely who we are and we pray we have the patience to learn more about each other and understand where we are coming from. Help us to be good listeners. And may our words be uplifting and supportive in response. In Jesus we pray, Amen.