Help Me Understand

A husband told us recently that he just learned something new about his wife. It was a key piece of information about something she had to deal with in her past which has affected how she's responded to many situations in their marriage. It helped explain a lot of misunderstood times of communication for the couple and gave them a chance to reevaluate how they would handle future similar situations with grace, empathy and understanding. The sad part was it took years for this information to come forward, which if shared earlier would have prevented a lot of heartache and helped the couple be more understanding of each other.

We believe married couples need to have an open line of communication. Brad and I share everything with each other. We are both pretty good communicators, so sharing between us has been easy. Daddy has shared about things that have happened in his life that have shaped who he is and how he responds to specific situations, and I have done likewise. Having this information has helped us be more understanding of responses that might otherwise have seemed out of place or even quirky. So communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't keep things from each other. You may have no idea how what you have gone through in your life is affecting your behavior today. And lack of information puts your spouse at an unfair disadvantage.

Likewise, when your spouse reacts in a way that does not make sense to you, gently ask why they are responding in such a way. And be understanding of the answer you receive. As Brad would say, "walk a mile in their shoes so you understand," and as the Bible would say - go the extra mile, too. Matthew 5:41 says, "and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile," meaning, go out of your way for your beloved. They are worth it.

"I don't want to talk about it," is not a good nor helpful response. Neither is "just cause." If you love your spouse-to-be, help them understand you. Another help could be taking the Keirsey Temperment Sorter - a personality test from the book Please Understand Me that may help you figure out each other (let alone yourselves) and foster good conversation between the two of you.

Talk to each other. If you want your spouse to understand you, share your deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences. And remember that half of communication is being a good listener. Then be gracious enough to keep that information between yourselves. It will help experiences in your relationship make much more sense.

Discussion: Have you taken the Keirsey Temperment Sorter? What did you learn about each other? How is the communication between you both. Are their circumstances in your life that would help your future spouse know and understand you better?

Prayer: Lord God, we thank you that you have made us uniquely who we are and we pray we have the patience to learn more about each other and understand where we are coming from. Help us to be good listeners. And may our words be uplifting and supportive in response. In Jesus we pray, Amen.

Mr. Fix It

This one is for Rob. It's for Rob because it's a guy thing. And if he is unaware of it, he will thank us later for bringing it to his attention. It will save him a ton of time, heartache and confusion. So before we get started ... you're welcome.

Here is our advice. You do not have to fix it. Now we're not talking about the Honey-Do list. Those things you most definitely have to fix. At least whatever you will be capable of fixing, anyways. We're talking about whatever issues, problems or conflicts Ayla is having in her life. You do not have to fix it. But you will want to.

See for men, that's what they do. They fix things. They are problem solvers. She has a problem; you have the answer. And you might. But here's the thing, a woman might not want you to fix it and may not think your suggestion is the best idea anyways. What she probably wants 95 percent of the time, is for you to just listen and let her vent. Now, that will be hard for you as a man to just let that happen. You'll be listening and instantly will say to yourself, "Ah - I know what she should do!" and proceed to tell her. But you can't. You just need to listen.

So here's what we suggest. First off - Ayla, begin conversations like this: "This is not something I need advice on or for you to fix. I just need you to let me speak." That will help Rob in the listening process. And Rob, your answer to everything she says is, "That must be very difficult for you" or "I am so sorry you are going through this." If, and only if, she asks "Do you have any suggestions?" should you offer any. Because you are entering shark infested waters. You are likely to get a sharp, "I really don't need you're help, just listen to me." Proverbs 18:13 says, "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." And James 1:19 encourages us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak." Proverbs 18:2 says, "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion."

There is a hilarious video that explains this situation from a male's perspective called "It's Not About The Nail" by Jason Headley. It explains perfectly what we've described above. Watch and enjoy. Your solution to her problem may be perfect, but it's about loving enough to sit and listen. Now that will be hard, we know. but do it. You will come across as the hero, and you want that. So patiently listen. And that goes for you, too, Ayla. Because let's say he does present a solution. Even if you just want him to listen, you, too, need to pay attention because he truly may have God-inspired advice for you. Ask for his help when you need it, but don't discount it if it's offered even when you don't ask.

As we said above, you're welcome.

Discussion: Have you ever had conversations where listening was the intent and a solution presented was the result? What ways will work for you both with regards to discussions issues in your life?

Prayer: Lord we are thankful that You are capable of fixing everything! Glory to You, Oh Lord! And we thank you for creating men and women differently and for wanting to love and help one another. Help us to be listeners and love first. In Jesus, Amen.