Great Expectations

Do little girls looks for a husband who is like their Daddy? Do little boys look for women like their Mom? I would say in some of the relationships I've seen that may be the case, but not in all. Some search for exactly the opposite of their parent's personality. Some find a future spouse with many similar attributes. I think it's hit or miss there. But my friend, Pastor Matt Mobley, said he got some great advice when he and his bride of 18 months, Molly, were in marriage counseling. I will let him explain:

"In our last counseling session before marriage, the pastor who was conducting our pre-marriage counseling pointed his long finger at me and said, "She is not your mother!" Then he pointed his finger at Molly and said, "He is not your father!" This was strange advice, I thought. A year into marriage, however, I see that this was wise advice indeed.

As a single person for 30+ years, the most important female in my life was my mother. I learned how to relate to people of the opposite sex by first relating to her. My expectations of married life were based almost entirely on what I observed in my own parents . I don't think I realized how much this influenced my relationship with Molly until well into our first year of marriage.

Molly is like my mother in some ways. She is also unlike my mother in some ways. I am like her father in some ways. I am also unlike her father in some ways. I learned pretty quick that the preacher's advice was true, Molly was not my mother. And even if she was just like my mother, my way of relating to her would be entirely different than the way I related to my mom. I have learned (and am still learning!) to love Molly for who she is, not whom I expect her to be.

I think this is a key to happiness in a lot of marriages, really. So much of it is based on expectations. Sometimes we put expectations on our marriage partner that they simply cannot meet. They cannot be your mother/father. They can't fulfill your every wish and dream. Only God can do that - and sometimes even He doesn't meet our expectations! Love that person for who they are. Love them for the gift they are to you. Love them through all of their flaws and failures. Love them the way God loves us!"

Grandpa Lauritzen was the first love of my life. It was easy for me to imagine what Jesus was like because I figured if he was better than my Dad, then he was pretty awesome. Then comes along the new love of my life in your Daddy, hand selected for me by the Father in Heaven. For those first years, there is no doubt I compared him to Grandpa. I had my Dad pretty high up on a pedestal. There was no way your Daddy could live up to what I expected from him based on my perception of my Dad. But circumstances gave me a new vision into your Daddy. I saw him for who he was all on his own, just as Matt explained above. And praise God your Daddy didn't compare me to his Mom, or I'd have failed miserably.

I don't know that either of you make any comparisons to parents, but what that preacher said to Matt and Molly is true not just of parents, but of any mentor in your life. Your future spouse is uniquely designed in God's image ...and that is the only standard you truly want to emulate and encourage.

Discussion: How is your future spouse like your parent? How are they unlike? Do you struggle with comparisons? What unique attributes do you love about your fiance?

Prayer: Father, we thank you for the parents you have given us. Lord you created our inmost being and knit us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). We thank you for those individual personalities and pray we can glorify you with them together as one. In Jesus, Amen.