Conflict Resolution

"All she has to do is smile at me, and I can't stay mad at her." That was what a dear friend told your Daddy and I last night. He and his beautiful wife are celebrating their 27th anniversary. "It's not always been easy," he said shaking his head, "but it's worth it." He shared how they've had rough patches in their marriage or a nasty argument where he would have to drive off for a little while to think. But when he got back home and saw her face, he said he couldn't even remember what the argument was about.

People handle conflict in different ways. Some folks dislike conflict so much that they'll do whatever it takes to appease someone. Others would rather walk away then deal with conflict. Some folks get into passionate, heated disagreements. And there are others who take those disagreements too far to the point of verbal or even physical abuse. Well, let's just say straight out that that last one is off the table. That is not an option. So that leaves you with heated argument or purposeful avoidance. Neither one of those is truly beneficial either in a disagreement.

So what is the best way to deal with a difference of opinion?

1. Well, first off, listen to each other. Hear what the other person has to say and put yourself in their shoes. Know where they are coming from and why. James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
2. Do not raise your voice. It is patronizing and tells the other person that what you have to say is more important enough to drown them out. That's neither listening or loving.
3. Do not cut each other down. Remember what your disagreement is about and do not make it personal.
4. Avoid sarcasm. It's demeaning.
5. Repeat back to one another what you think is their opinion or what they are trying to say. That way you both know you are completely understanding one another. 
6. If anger is escalating, take a few minutes to cool off ... and pray. Pray together if you can. Proverbs 29:11 says, "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end."
7. When you're wrong, admit it. And say you're are sorry. Even better, ask for forgiveness.
8.  Embrace. Hugs heal so much.

Arguments will happen, but if you remember how much you love one another, then perhaps you too will forget what the argument was about in the first place. Remember Satan will always be trying to drive a wedge between you, so don't stand so far apart that there is room for one. Oh and don't forget that whole argue naked thing. That works too.

Discussion: What do you love about one another? Is that something you can remember when you get into disagreements? Do you have a plan for conflict resolution?

Prayer: Lord God we know that we can get carried away with our position on a subject that we can be insensitive to each other. Lord, we pray we can remember how much we love each other and truly listen to each other, so that arguments don't escalate. May we always pray for guidance from you in these situations. In Jesus we pray, Amen.

To Move Forward

Brad and I watched an ESPN show Tuesday night called E:60 that featured the story of domestic abuse victim Carmen Tarleton. Her estranged husband beat her with a baseball bat, then covered her in industrial strength lye which gave her 3rd and 4th degree burns over 80 percent of her body. She miraculously survived this horrific attack. After a three-month induced coma and 60 surgeries, Carmen received a face transplant last year. While legally blind, she can even smile a little bit now. Her ex-husband is serving a 30-year sentence for the crime of maiming. She said at his trial she is in pain every day of her life.

This story brought your father and I to tears. To see what this woman suffered, and still suffers, is heart-wrenching. But she commented in the show she would never want to go back to who she was before. She has moved forward, has a new life and, as of Monday night, a first grandbaby. Forgiveness brought her to that place. She made this comment about it:

"It freed me because forgiveness really is what you do for yourself. It's not about releasing him of what he did. Forgiveness is what you do for yourself to move forward."

If a woman who has going through what she did can forgive her attacker, do we have any excuse to not forgive those who hurt us? And for that matter, if our Savior can forgive us for the sins He carried on our behalf, again do we have any excuse not to do the same?

In your relationship you will have trials that face you, and they will be difficult. You may do or say something that is truly tough for the other to take and, for that matter, forgive. But we as Christians are called to do that. In the prayer Christ taught us to pray he said, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." [Some translations have trespasses or debts for the word sin, but they mean the same.] In Matthew 6:14-15, He goes on to say, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Ouch! Our Father will not forgive our sins if we don't forgive. That is a tough price to pay for unforgiveness.

Notice that Carmen says in her quote that her forgiveness doesn't release her attacker from what he's done. In other words, we will still pay the consequences of our sin. We are responsible for every choice we make. But praise God Almighty, He forgives us, giving us chance after chance to grow.

Praying when you both get in a circumstance where forgiveness is necessary, that you will do so wholeheartedly, graciously and expediently. Or when you are the one who requires forgiveness that you will acknowledge it and ask for it quickly and sincerely. While not always easy, as Carmen said, it frees you ... to move forward.

Discussion: Tell of an experiences in your life where you received or gave forgiveness. What did it do for you? How can the two of you be careful to make a conscious effort to forgive each other?

Prayer: Redeeming God, how do we ever not forgive when you are so merciful enough to die for us? Lord help us to be aware of situations in our lives where we may need to ask for forgiveness or where we need to forgive someone a wrong against us. In the name of the Savior, Amen.