Conflict Resolution

"All she has to do is smile at me, and I can't stay mad at her." That was what a dear friend told your Daddy and I last night. He and his beautiful wife are celebrating their 27th anniversary. "It's not always been easy," he said shaking his head, "but it's worth it." He shared how they've had rough patches in their marriage or a nasty argument where he would have to drive off for a little while to think. But when he got back home and saw her face, he said he couldn't even remember what the argument was about.

People handle conflict in different ways. Some folks dislike conflict so much that they'll do whatever it takes to appease someone. Others would rather walk away then deal with conflict. Some folks get into passionate, heated disagreements. And there are others who take those disagreements too far to the point of verbal or even physical abuse. Well, let's just say straight out that that last one is off the table. That is not an option. So that leaves you with heated argument or purposeful avoidance. Neither one of those is truly beneficial either in a disagreement.

So what is the best way to deal with a difference of opinion?

1. Well, first off, listen to each other. Hear what the other person has to say and put yourself in their shoes. Know where they are coming from and why. James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
2. Do not raise your voice. It is patronizing and tells the other person that what you have to say is more important enough to drown them out. That's neither listening or loving.
3. Do not cut each other down. Remember what your disagreement is about and do not make it personal.
4. Avoid sarcasm. It's demeaning.
5. Repeat back to one another what you think is their opinion or what they are trying to say. That way you both know you are completely understanding one another. 
6. If anger is escalating, take a few minutes to cool off ... and pray. Pray together if you can. Proverbs 29:11 says, "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end."
7. When you're wrong, admit it. And say you're are sorry. Even better, ask for forgiveness.
8.  Embrace. Hugs heal so much.

Arguments will happen, but if you remember how much you love one another, then perhaps you too will forget what the argument was about in the first place. Remember Satan will always be trying to drive a wedge between you, so don't stand so far apart that there is room for one. Oh and don't forget that whole argue naked thing. That works too.

Discussion: What do you love about one another? Is that something you can remember when you get into disagreements? Do you have a plan for conflict resolution?

Prayer: Lord God we know that we can get carried away with our position on a subject that we can be insensitive to each other. Lord, we pray we can remember how much we love each other and truly listen to each other, so that arguments don't escalate. May we always pray for guidance from you in these situations. In Jesus we pray, Amen.

Perception is Not Reality

Daddy and I had the most interesting argument the other day. Interesting in that it was pretty pathetic, but yet wild as to how we had both got to our point of view. Daddy had asked me to make him Sherry Spaghetti (one of our favorite homemade sauces). It's a recipe that needs to go in the slow cooker early to simmer all day, so I knew I couldn't make it for supper that night. Plus he was going to prison ministry, so I figured he wouldn't be home for supper that night anyways, so I told him I would make it the next day. On his way home from prison ministry, he asked what I made for supper. I didn't make anything since I didn't think he would be home, so I went ahead and ate leftovers. When he got home, he was already upset that there wasn't any dinner made, so he proceeded to make - you guessed it - spaghetti. Not the homemade spaghetti, but jarred spaghetti. Regardless, when I saw him making it, I was a little upset. Especially when he asked me to make the Sherry Spaghetti, and I promised to make it for the next day. I was actually looking forward to eating it. I figured now he wouldn't want spaghetti the following day for supper. So we were irritated with each other. Now you see why I said it was interesting ... and pathetic. We each had an idea in our head of how things were going to be, and we each had expectations of what we anticipated from each other. Our problem was our own preconceived ideas. Daddy expected there to be something for dinner. I expected he would be home too late for dinner. It was a weird ridiculous argument and frankly a waste of time.

We have often heard this quoted, "Perception is reality." Your Daddy and I laugh at that statement because that's a bunch of hooey. Just because you perceive something a certain way doesn't make it reality. Reality is reality, regardless of the way you perceive it. So you need to be careful how you discern something ... and don't assume others perceive it the same way as you. Our situation above is a simple example of two people presuming something completely different, and believing the other should have had the same perception. That can be dangerous shaky ground. You are expecting your special someone to read your mind and make decisions based on that super power. Only Jesus has been able to do that. Proverbs 17:27 says, "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding."

You are naturally going to go a certain direction based on the information and circumstances you are involved in, but don't be surprised when your spouse isn't going the same direction you are. You want to be on the same page? S-P-E-L-L  I-T  O-U-T for each other. Love each other enough that you take the time to give each other all the information. And truly listen to one another. It will save you a lot of time in fixing misunderstandings later which could go so far as to be an argument. And be sensitive to one another in looking at the situation from their perspective as it may help you understand how they interpreted something. Patience, love, selflessness ... it all helps and is all Biblical.

By the way - oh yeah, I made Sherry Spaghetti the next day. Candlelight dinner, cheesy garlic bread, salad ... it was worth it. And he loved it.

Discussion: Tell about a time when you misinterpreted a situation? What are things you can do to prevent each other from misunderstanding.

Prayer: Lord God, we pray we will be patient with one another when there are misunderstandings. Help us to remember to be loving and selfless when it comes to our beloved and to truly listen to each other. In Christ's name we pray, Amen.