Conflict Resolution

"All she has to do is smile at me, and I can't stay mad at her." That was what a dear friend told your Daddy and I last night. He and his beautiful wife are celebrating their 27th anniversary. "It's not always been easy," he said shaking his head, "but it's worth it." He shared how they've had rough patches in their marriage or a nasty argument where he would have to drive off for a little while to think. But when he got back home and saw her face, he said he couldn't even remember what the argument was about.

People handle conflict in different ways. Some folks dislike conflict so much that they'll do whatever it takes to appease someone. Others would rather walk away then deal with conflict. Some folks get into passionate, heated disagreements. And there are others who take those disagreements too far to the point of verbal or even physical abuse. Well, let's just say straight out that that last one is off the table. That is not an option. So that leaves you with heated argument or purposeful avoidance. Neither one of those is truly beneficial either in a disagreement.

So what is the best way to deal with a difference of opinion?

1. Well, first off, listen to each other. Hear what the other person has to say and put yourself in their shoes. Know where they are coming from and why. James 1:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
2. Do not raise your voice. It is patronizing and tells the other person that what you have to say is more important enough to drown them out. That's neither listening or loving.
3. Do not cut each other down. Remember what your disagreement is about and do not make it personal.
4. Avoid sarcasm. It's demeaning.
5. Repeat back to one another what you think is their opinion or what they are trying to say. That way you both know you are completely understanding one another. 
6. If anger is escalating, take a few minutes to cool off ... and pray. Pray together if you can. Proverbs 29:11 says, "Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end."
7. When you're wrong, admit it. And say you're are sorry. Even better, ask for forgiveness.
8.  Embrace. Hugs heal so much.

Arguments will happen, but if you remember how much you love one another, then perhaps you too will forget what the argument was about in the first place. Remember Satan will always be trying to drive a wedge between you, so don't stand so far apart that there is room for one. Oh and don't forget that whole argue naked thing. That works too.

Discussion: What do you love about one another? Is that something you can remember when you get into disagreements? Do you have a plan for conflict resolution?

Prayer: Lord God we know that we can get carried away with our position on a subject that we can be insensitive to each other. Lord, we pray we can remember how much we love each other and truly listen to each other, so that arguments don't escalate. May we always pray for guidance from you in these situations. In Jesus we pray, Amen.

As Far As It Depends On You

Today there will be a lot of folks posting pictures of the Twin Towers in NYC on social media. For anyone who was around on this date in 2001, it matters to us all. Like our grandparents before us who remember where they were during the attack of Pearl Harbor, we remember vividly where we were when we heard a plane crashed into the World Trade Center North Tower. We remember watching the television in horror and disbelief as a second plane hit the South Tower. We were under attack, and we all knew it in that moment. And it scared us. War was brought to our homeland. And our country changed forever. Our economy, our security, our trust and our patriotism were forever altered by those events. Regardless of our backgrounds, we all had a common enemy. Regardless of our relationships, we all were brokenhearted. We wept for our lost Americans in New York City, Washington, D.C. and Pennsylvania. We saw their faces and we heard their names. The phrase, "Let's roll," became a battle cry. We prayed for our emergency responders. We prayed for our president. We prayed for the families of the lost. It took only moments, but its effects linger these fourteen years later. We will never forget.

What does this have to do with marriage, you ask? It shows how in the blink of an eye your situation can change. It reaffirms what should be your goal as a couple: to delight in the moments you have with your loved ones. Because they are fleeting. It reminds you that you are His, in His care and serving His children as if they were your own.

My sweet darlings, our prayer is you will never, ever see something like that again in your lifetimes. That your children will live in a world of peace and love, empathy and forgiveness, grace and caring. The chance of that, based on our history and sinful natures, is not good. But we'll be praying for it nonetheless. Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

Strive to love each other passionately, deeply and sacrificially. Delight in your moments together. These are precious times. Regardless of the number of minutes, days or years you have, those times together are such a gift. Enjoy them. And remember that truly, we are all one huge family on this planet with one amazing Father God. Remember to love those family members as such.

I have a friend whose only child, a son, was born on this date in 2001. While the world was changing, a sweet face entered it. While she remembers what happened in our country that day, she sees in her son, the hope of our future. And while there may be heartache in that future, there will be joy, too. Seek it.

We have learned a lot as a nation and as people since this date in 2001. Praying it pushes us, inspires us, warns us and softens us. And praying it's enough.


Discussion: What do you remember about 9-11? Did you learn anything as a result of it? Do you think Americans have?

Prayer: Bless us, O Lord, for we have heavy hearts when we remember what happened on this date. We see, Lord, our failings and, Father, the moments of joy and blessings in the midst of it. Lord, we thank you for never leaving us. And we thank you for being our God in control of everything. May all come to know and love you and love your children. In Christ, Amen.

Let The Faithful Correct Me

I was getting ready to print individual pages of a document and when typing in which numbered pages I wanted printed, I accidentally typed a letter instead of a number. A warning popped up which said, "Unacceptable character." It caught me off guard at first because I didn't know what I had done to get the warning, but then I chuckled when I thought how interesting it would be if that popped up when our personality flaws reared their ugly heads. You know, when we say that cuss word we shouldn't have. When we gossip. When we're jealous. When we selfishly put ourselves before others. When we lie. When we have a short fuse. When we're impatient. The list goes on. During those moments, we could hear a whisper in our ear: "Unacceptable character."

The things is, we know what unacceptable character is. God tells us what the acceptable character traits are: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, generosity and self-control. Those are the fruits of the Spirit as explained by Paul in Galatians 5:22. But sometimes those unacceptable things slip out before we think. In Psalm 141:3 it says, "Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not turn my heart to any evil." And later in that Psalm in verse 5, "Let the faithful correct me." So if you have a brother or sister in Christ offering you counsel, lean in, listen, repent and implement.

Set yourself to a higher standard. We are God's children and therefore should behave as such. It's better if we catch ourselves and change before others do the intervening. And the best way to stay on top of that is to be in the Word. Be in prayer. Examine our ways against the ways of Christ. The only way you know what Godly behavior is if you read what God says it is. 

Be especially cautious to be of good character with your betrothed. Often we take advantage of that relationship, and they don't deserve it. Don't they deserve the very best part of you? So be sure your character reflects the Lord of love.

Discussion: What are some character traits you need to work on? What would help prevent you from slipping into bad character habits?

Prayer: Lord God, you showed us through your son Jesus how we are to behave. We pray, Father, that we imitate Him and show people through our behavior that we belong to you. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

In His Hand

I'll never forget it. One of my co-workers at Sears Portrait studio back in Green Bay, WI, in the 1990's grabbed my hand and said, "I can read palms." Inwardly I chucked, because I think palm readers are a bunch of hooey, but I said to her, "Okay, go ahead and tell me how long I'm going to live." Checking out the creases in my hand she said, "67." I curled my fingers into my palm and thought, "Way to throw out any old number and not have to be accountable for the result, but, alright, I've got lots of good years ahead if she's right."

Again, I think it's balderdash, but she seemed quite confident in her assessment of the lines God placed in my hand. I have no idea how those lines made her come to the 67 conclusion, but that's where she settled. Perhaps God has chosen to number my years at 67, but He and only He knows that time. Job 14:5 tells us He's "determined our days" and Psalm 139:16 says, "In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed," so God has this covered. Matter of fact, it says in Job 12:10 "In His hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind." Nice to know my life is nestled in the hand of the Creator.  He'll decide that day when my heart stops beating. Until then, my life belongs to Him and His purpose for me. And I trust Him completely with it.

That is what we want for you. No, not a good palm reading, but rather trust that God has you completely in His hands. Matter of fact we're told in Isaiah 49:16 that He has us "inscribed on the palms" of His hands. How much more poignant that becomes when you realize those palms were pierced for us. Talk about inscribed on palms. He's in complete control, has the plan, and we can rest assured in that.

Anton and I were talking yesterday about his future job move. I mentioned something I have told my children many times over the years. That when you have a child, it's like having your heart walk around outside your body. It's a very vulnerable place to be. You want to protect your child - no matter what age they are - from all harm. But Anton assured me of something that melted me. He said, "Mom, I'm been praying about every part of this." What this said to me was, "Mom, I trust God, and He's got this," and if there is anything that can give me peace, it's those words. 3 John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to know my children are walking in the truth." We trust our lives to the Almighty. To know our children do as well, is quite reassuring. 

Your days are numbered. Your days are part of His perfect plan. Trust Him and have peace in knowing He has it all in control ... no matter how long the lines in your palm are.

Discussion: How confident are you that God has your life in His hands? What gives you that confidence? Is there any part of your life you haven't trusted God with?

Prayer: Father, we thank you for our days ahead. We trust your plan for us is for our good and your glory. When we struggle in our days, help us remember you have it all in your hands. In Christ, Amen.

No Question

I have a Christian fish on my car. And a Bible verse (Deut. 6:5). And a cross hanging from my rearview mirror. And a bumper sticker of The River, Christian radio station. And a decal that says He>i. When you see my car, you should have no question the driver is a Christian.

There is a cross hanging outside our home. There are crosses all over the inside and Bibles in just about every room. There are Bible verses hanging on the walls and oftentimes Christian music playing in the stereo. When you come into our home, you should have no question Christians live here.

This should be the same case when you meet us ... you should have no question when watching us and speaking to us that we are Christians. We want it to be obvious. If someone accuses us of being Christian, we hope there will be plenty of evidence. And not just "Oh, she wears a cross necklace" or "They go to church every Sunday" or "I've caught him reading her Bible." We would prefer people catch us in the act of being a Christian. Loving someone, serving others, letting our speech reflect our faith.

We are living in a culture perpetually pulling us away from what God has called us to be ... reflecting those Fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control as found in Galatians 5:22-23. Are you loving? Are you peaceful? Are you generous? Are you kind? Are you joyful? Are you patient? Are you faithful? Do you have self-control? Are you gentle? There may be one or more of those that you will say "no" to ... well, then, work on it.

We will have countless opportunities within our marriages and in our daily life to blow it. To not be godly. To not reflect Christ. We need to reach beyond our human failings and strive to be what God expects of us. We need to catch our minds when they traverse into spiritually unhealthy areas. We need to stop ourselves before we respond in unrighteous anger. We need to "take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). Stop inappropriate responses and words from leaving your lips. Quash feelings of jealousy. Forgive over and over again. Love our enemies and pray for them. Care for the poor and sick. Visit the lonely. Love, love, love, love, love.

It doesn't matter what you stick on your car, hang in your house or wear on your body. What matters is what people see in you. The old hymn says, And they'll know are Christians by our love, by our love. Yes, they'll know we are Christians by our love." Let there be no question.

Discussion: What evidence can people give to prove you are a Christian? Which of the Fruits of the Spirit do you need a little work on?

Prayer: Father, let not just our outward appearance, but also our inward heart be an advertisement of Your great love. Father, every day is a challenge. Help us remember to take our thoughts captive to You, praise and glorify You. In Jesus, Amen.