Premarital Counseling

For Daddy it was with our friend David Woods, a pastor in Tennessee. For me it was with Jerry Landry, a pastor in Pennsylvania. We're talking about premarital counseling. We would have done it together if we could have, but your Daddy was already living in Tennessee working at his new job and I was still in Pittsburgh in the months leading up to the wedding. But the minister marrying us insisted we go to premarital counseling prior to the wedding date. This was in the days before Skype or Facetime and in the days of high charges for long-distance calling, so we couldn't even communicate digitally for our counseling. Your Daddy says he remembers many conversations about sports (seems you meet with a sports writer and that's what happens). I remember discussing wedding details and marriage issues.

Daddy and I have treated this blog as a year-long premarital counseling journey for our children. We are sharing our experiences with you about various subject matters in marriage itself and different aspects of the wedding and reception. We are hoping we leave no stone unturned in this 365-day blog. At the same time, both of you couples will be having premarital counseling with a pastor leading up to your wedding date. And we highly recommend it, even after we've shared all this information these last 10 months. The Journal of Family Psychology published a survey which showed that couples who had premarital counseling were more satisfied in their marriage and had a 30 percent less likelihood of divorce over five years. We want you to ask the hard questions. We want you to glean wisdom from God through His servants about what marriage requires and what you can do to strengthen it. It's good to have an objective Christian moderator to hear you both out on issues like money, sex, raising a family, problem solving, health, faith, habits, careers, responsibilities, etc. We want you to be as prepared as you can for life's bumps in the road and different issues as experienced by wise folks who have been there and navigated through them. You can always learn more.

So look forward to your premarital counseling ahead. If you have concerns you want to dig into, write them down to bring up at counseling. If you have questions where you want to learn more, write that down, too. Don't hesitate to ask. This is a prime location to get that discussed and get godly advice.

Discussion: What are some subjects you want to talk about with your premarital counselor? What is important to you about counseling?

Prayer: Father, we thank you for all the souls who have gone before us in marriage that can give us advice on what makes a good, strong marriage. We pray the premarital counseling these couples go through is beneficial and a blessing to their happiness in marriage. In Christ we pray, Amen.

Don't Go To Bed Angry

One piece of advice that you will get over and over again when you speak to married couples is "Never go to bed angry." They never tell you why you shouldn't, they just say you shouldn't. And I wonder how many of them know they are actually quoting Scripture when they say that. Ephesians 4:26 says,"Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." It's verse 27 that gives us the why, "And do not make room for the devil." 
  
When Daddy and I have gone to bed angry it is not a pretty thing. Neither of us can sleep. We toss and turn all night, which makes us crankier in the morning. There's still no resolution to whatever we were angry about the night before, so we're still pretty much angry. It's a lose-lose situation all the way around, giving the devil a whole lot of room to work with. You can resolve to "Never go to bed angry," but you will need a plan to avoid doing so, because we guarantee you, at some point you will get angry before bedtime.

The solution ... take it to the Lord in prayer. If more couples stopped mid-argument to pray and ask God for wisdom and direction, there would be a lot less anger. Of course, when you are in the throws of that, it's hard to pull yourself out of the emotional part and think clearly or wisely enough to think to pray. But try to be proactive about that.

Another simple help is to have this hanging above your bed.

It's kinda hard to kiss someone and stay angry with them. So do what you can to avoid putting head-to-pillow while frustrated with your spouse. Pray about it. Talk it out. And remember to always kiss each other goodnight.

Discussion: Have you ever ended a night angry with each other? How did you resolve the situation? How could you have done it better?

Prayer: Father God, we ask that when we are betting carried away with our anger,
your Holy Spirit would remind us to go to you for direction. And we pray that well we love and cherish one another deeply and remember to kiss each other goodnight every single evening of our marriage. In Christ we pray, Amen.

Take It The Lord In Prayer

I have been praying since last evening for a friend of friend of Ayla's. She made a decision that could very well alter the rest of her life. Both Ayla and Anton are familiar with the story, so we won't go into details here. Right now, prayers are necessary. Prayers for this girl's future and life hanging in the balance.

Daddy and I have told our children repeatedly throughout their lives that you are responsible for every single choice you make. The smallest decision could truly affect the rest of your life. Should you do that? Should you go there? Should you say that? Should you try that? And how do you know whether or not you should? We would first and foremost ask you, "What would God have you do? Is it in line with what Scripture teaches? Does it bring glory to your Father?" If you get a no to any of those, the choice is simple. Other questions you can ask are, "Is it kind? Is it helpful? Will it bring someone to Christ?"

We talked to you about the value of just one decision in this blog last December, but hearing about this girl just drove it home once more, and we felt it beared repeating. And it's not just little decisions, but big ones as well. Decisions about future careers, family, location, homes, hobbies, each could change the course of your life. Go to God. Ask Him what you should do. Make sure each and every decision you make is in line with His will for you. Joseph M. Scriven in 1855 wrote a song called What A Friend We Have In Jesus and a line in it says, "What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer." And it is indeed so. You have the opportunity to go to the Creator of the world for guidance, and direction. See to it that you do. It could save you much grief later.

Discussion: Do you think there are any decisions you make that you really don't need to go to God for? Tell of a time when you wish you'd have asked God first before you proceeded with a choice.

Prayer: Lord, we are so grateful to you that you are in control. Help us Father to focus on You and keep our lives plumb with You. Please guide and direct our steps and help us to make wise decisions. In Jesus, Amen.

Marriage Legacy

Today my Grandma Haas would have been 100 years old. She is spending her birthday with her Savior, husband and son. My Granny was a pretty funny lady. She loved sparkles and shoes that went clickety clack. She sold Avon for years (I loved to play with her tiny lipstick samples). She was a terrible cook. She had a zillion different sayings and stories that would crack us all up. She had the cutest giggle ever. And she hummed all the time, mostly unrecognizable songs. I remember my roommate in college saying she was going to imitate me one day and she walked around the room straightening things and humming. I exclaimed, "That's my grandma!" Gram married my grandfather, Theodore George Haas on June 29, 1935. What was so amazing about this wedding is that they actually won a contest. Everything was provided for their wedding, location, gown, tux, food, flowers, even furniture and a honeymoon ... and for a couple with very little money in the Depression Era, this was a dream come true. Hundreds of people came to their wedding. They were married 26 years (and had seven children - Gaga was number three), when Grandpa died of a blood clot at the age of 50. Yes, my age. My mother was just 18. I remember Gram talking about Grandpa. He was the love of her life. She would smile from ear to ear when she talked about him. One thing I remember her saying about her husband was that he could play the Hawaiian guitar and he would sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline to her. Grandma Haas died in 2010 at the age of 95.

There are so many marriages now lost to time that have gone before you: Elizabeth and John, Anton and Veronica, Sophie and Louie, Roman and Hattie, Ruth and Teddy. Oh that we could sit down with them all and ask them for marriage advice, hear their stories about their newlywed years and glean wisdom from their experiences. These were not fairytale marriages (even if Granny Haas's started that way). These were marriages that went through hard times: little money, war, death, frustrations, alcoholism, disease, loss of children and anger. But they also had joy and good memories. I am sure they would all tell you, "There will be tough times, but cling to each other and cling to the Father." Every one of the marriages above ended in "till death do us part."

We want you to know that history and understand the commitment these couples made to one another. These were not half or temporary promises. These couples vowed to stay together to the end ... and they did. Some ending much sooner than they hoped.

You have been bequeathed the legacy of marriages that stood the test of life and time. I don't know if it's possible at this juncture for you to comprehend the commitment and work it will take to make your marriage a success, but we pray you are dedicated to making it so. Take the time to speak to couples who have been married a long time who can give you advice on what has worked for them. We don't have our ancestors to speak to, but there are many mentoring couples to learn from. And compare their advice to what God says in the Bible. We want both of you couples to be ones that generations from now, your great-grandchildren will say, "Let me tell you about their marriages and what a beautiful example they were for me." Leave that legacy.

Discussion: Have you ever sat down with a couple who has been married for over 25 years and asked them what has worked for them in their marriage? What are some tips you've learned that you plan to apply? Tell about a marriage that is an example to you.

Prayer: Lord Jesus, we thank you for the life of Ruth Haas and the lives the great-grandparents and grandparents that have gone before us. We pray, Lord, that we will be committed to having strong, faith-based, loving marriages with our focus on You. In Jesus, Amen.

Who's The More Foolish?

Today is April Fool's Day. I hate this holiday, mostly because I am pretty gullible. I expect people to be honest and forthright, so when they try to pull one over on me, I'm thrown and less trusting. A holiday designed to encourage people to prank one another just isn't my forte. It's designed to make someone else feel foolish, and that just doesn't seem Godly or encouraging in any way to me. I know people say it's "all in good fun," but ask the pranked person if it was fun for them. If in a crowd, they may say it was and laugh it off, but it truly isn't fun at all.

I wanted to see what characteristics qualified a person as a "fool" in the eyes of the Lord, so did a little digging. According to the book of Proverbs as fool despises wisdom and instruction (1:7); is complacent (1:32); brings grief (10:1); lies and slanders (10:18); does whatever he wants (12:15); is prideful (14:3); deceives (14:8), is hotheaded (14:16), spurns parents' discipline (15:5); won't hold their tongues (17:28), is perverted (19:1); quarrels (20:3); is untrustworthy (26:6); repeats their poor behavior (26:11); and rages and scoffs (29:9). Based on this information, the one pulling the pranks on this holiday is a fool. According to Ecclesiastes 2:14 a fool "walks in darkness." And one that truly has weight with regards to marriage, Ecclesiastes 5:4 says a fool is one "who doesn't fulfill a vow."

The one that got me most however was Psalm 14:1 and 53:1 (they are identical Psalms) which begin with this verse, "A fool says in their heart there is no God." That person is the most foolish of all. We know there most certainly is an Almighty, All-Powerful, All-Loving, Creator God and we'll all one-day be face-to-face with Him.

Find ways this day to be completely opposite the fool. Seek wisdom. Be loving. Use kind words. Be humble. Work hard. Be obedient. Be trustworthy. Those are things the Lord values.

Discussion: Have you ever been pranked? Have you ever pulled a hoax on someone? How did you feel after both instances? Do you have to work on any of the foolish characteristics listed above?

Prayer: We give all glory and honor to the King of Kings this day. Thank you, Father, for wisdom. May we be diligent to seek it. In Christ, Amen.

Hey 22-Year-Old Self

I asked Daddy the other day, if he could go back in time and visit his 22-year-old self prior to getting married, what he would say to him. His comments were precious and eye opening. Lean in to listen.

• "Listen to the old people." He said they will be gone before you know it and have so much wisdom and amazing stories to tell. They have gone through a lot in their lives. You will learn a lot from them. Suck up what they have to say. It will help with the journey.

• "It's gone in the blink of an eye." Daddy said to cherish every moment as it happens ... the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon, the early years as a couple, the precious years with young children, fun with older children, the empty nest. Every season passes quicker than you can imagine, so enjoy it as it happens.

• "Get yourself to church." He says you need recharged. You need to hear God's word preached. You need to be surrounded by other Christians. We spend so much of our life in and of the world, we need to be reminded we don't belong to it.

• "Love your wife. Please her and it will come back to you tenfold." Coming from his wife ... DO THIS!
  
• "It is so hard to make your way in this world. You put so much energy into your job and then wonder what all those hours were for." Create a balance between work and life. Work is to bless life and the lives of others around you. Don't let it consume life.

• "You don't know everything." You will think you do, but you don't. Which harkens back to that first comment above.

•  "Be kind." It's what God would want you to do.

He is a wise man, your Daddy. Save yourself a lot of time, missed opportunities and trials, and just listen to him. Because you can't go back in time to visit your 22-year-old self, but you can tell your 20-something children.

Discussion: What of the above statements resonate with you? Is there anything of the above that you could work on?

Prayer: Thank you, Lord, for the wisdom of experience, but mostly for the wisdom of listening to wisdom! Lord, we pray we are attentive when people who have been on the journey longer, help us along with ours. In Christ we pray, Amen.

Jot This Down

Yesterday my mother handed me a red binder filled with Bible study and sermon notes that she'd put together from over the years. Most of the pages are worksheets with my mother's handwriting popping up in different locations, whether answering study questions or writing down a sentence or two from a sermon or lecture she wanted to remember. Sentences like "God has programmed His moral code into our hearts. When you become a Christian, changes begin to occur in our conscience" or "Life is what happens when we're making plans." It's a precious record of a section of her spiritual journey. I think it's interesting that she handed me this binder the same day that Ayla said she purchased a book to keep all her sermon notes in. "I got tired of carrying around a bunch of little bits of paper, Mommy," she said. I have another friend who takes notes on a clipboard she carries with her everywhere. Typically, I have notes written all over the inside of my Bible from sermon's I have heard over the years.

Learning through study and in worship are wonderful ways to continue to grow in our faith. They can make you understand, appreciate, obey and worship the Lord even better than you have previously. If you feel compelled to write something down that you have heard, it is a good possibility the Lord is speaking to your heart to do so. I have kept just about every Bible study I've ever taken or taught and likewise the notes. Every once and awhile I will go back and read those notes or redo the study. It is interesting to me to see the changes in my spiritual life since that first note-taking effort. Or to see what different attributes the Lord wants me to catch the second time around.

Next month, me and about 10 others are retaking a Bible study I took last fall called "Foundations in Apologetics." It is an excellent study by Ravi Zacharias International Ministries led by various theologians and professors at Oxford University designed to "introduce a comprehensive range of apologetic arguments and strategies." The lecturers speak in a variety of accents and brogues and use a number of words that I needed a dictionary for. They spoke way over my head. But I gleaned so much from the study. After we finished, most of us commented we wanted to go through all the lectures again to absorb even more ... so we are. And new folks are joining us. I am excited to see what the Lord wants me to learn and apply this time. See, I have a long way to go with regards to applying a good defense of the faith.

Proverbs 1:5 "Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance;" and Proverbs 18:15 says "An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." Never stop learning. Never stop taking notes. Retake studies to retain and discover new information. Not only will it make you better Christians, but it will also enhance your efforts to work as a team for the Lord in the growth of His Kingdom.

Discussion: Tell about a study you have taken that you'd consider retaking. When do you typically take notes during a study or sermon? Do you ever reread your notes?

Prayer: Lord, you have given us the gift of the Living Word where we learn something new every time we read it. We thank you that you have inspired many souls to preach the Word, teach it and write studies on it for us to learn more. Help us to be diligent is wanting to make ourselves more and more like you. In Christ, our Rabbi teacher, Amen.

A Kernel Of Truth And Wisdom

Just as I was about to blog about whatever advice the Father had given me for you both today, I opened the front cover to a wedding scrapbook I made back in 1987. Glued on the inside cover is a brown envelope with a letter inside. The letter was written Oct. 16, 1987 by Jadoosh, your Grandpa Anthony Walter Zimanek, Jr, to your Daddy and I on our wedding day. Rather than sum up the letter for you here, I am going to transcribe it as is. What he wrote nearly 27+ years ago, still works today. Thought you might want to hear it yourselves:

Dear Brad and Jill,

         It is a custom in our family, that some one attempt to share some insight into marriage when a couple is entering Holy Matrimony. (Your great-grandfather Antone Grygiel was known far and wide in N.E. Wisc and even people that didn't know him personally, requested that he talk to the young couple.) Only pray that you are able to catch a kernel of truth & wisdom here & there from this letter.

         First of all know with your hearts and souls that you are loved by your parents as well as many others, but most of all Christ loves you. He is always there and will help & bless you if you call about Him. He may not answer your prayers exactly the way you want them, but he does hear you. Pray every day and keep Him a part of your lives. Its so easy with our materialistic & busy world to neglect honoring & confiding in Him and His Blessed Mother.

         You are both Christians and you were taught marriage is sacred, so commit faithfully to one another that his is the person who I'll share my life with, for better or worse, until death will we part. After the first blush of wedded life, I promise you there will be arguments, disagreements, bad times, good times, sorrow, joy, hurt & all the things of life. The thing that must overshadow everything is love & I don't mean it only sexually. Talk out your problems in love, pray together & be a real team. The one biggest & hardest thing I believe to overcome is selfishness. You must wrestle with it always. But someday, if you really work at it, you'll realize your partner is of the same flesh & spirit & if I may quote Ephesians "He who loves his own wife (& each other) loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, on the contrary, he nourishes & cherishes it as Christ also does the church, because we are all members of his body made from his flesh & bones. For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother & cleave to his wife & the two shall become one flesh."

         Also make up your minds that whatever your circumstances, whether rich or poor, you will do your best in that station of life. If poor, so bit it, God loves the poor more than the rich. Just make the best of it & comfort one another always.

         If you are blessed with children, raise them Christian. And if you do one thing for them, make sure you outwardly & physically show affection for yourselves in their presence. Obviously, hug them a lot & make sure they know you love them & they count. Children will test your endurance, your patience & your being, but we have accepted them as a part of our Christian lives & we will be held accountable before God, I am sure.

         You will be in our thoughts & hearts until we pass on, & in our souls always. We love you, we wish you the very best, but most of all we wish you love & remember always we really have 1 objective on earth & that is to pass the test & save our souls. Do it together & help each other.

         May Christ be with you always! Yo truly are 2 very handsome, intelligent,special, loving people.

                                                                      Love always,

                                                                      Anthony & Barbara Zimanek 
                                                                      (We hope both your Mom & Dad)

P.S. Trust each other too & do not be a jealous worrier. Remember you married each other & no one else in the whole world.

I think that says it all.

Discussion: What of the above letter touches you the most? What is something you specifically need to work on that he writes about?

Prayer: For generations this Zimanek family has passed on marital advice to young couples in love. We thank You for being the foundation of that advice and that it never changes. You are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. May we heed all You say. In Jesus, Amen.