Non-Obsessive Pursuits

"He gets to buy whatever new books he wants to read and I get regular manicures. That's the deal we made. So even if we have to cut back financially in our life, that doesn't change. I still get my manicures and he still gets to buy books."

That was something a friend told me about a few years ago. They asked each other what the other could not live without from a material standpoint and agreed that they would never ask the other to give up that interest during their marriage. This works for them. She never complains about his passion and likewise he never complains about hers. She has great nails week after week, and he has a huge collection of science fiction and thriller books.

I am not sure Daddy and I have a similar attachment to any particular hobby or beauty regimen, but Daddy could have said, "I get to golf and you can buy all the chocolate you want and neither of us can complain to other." The thing is, we do that anyways. Not willy nilly, mind you. We're not irresponsible enough to be that frivolous. If we're in a rough spot financially, those things get pushed to the side. Okay, well, the golf does, anyways. The only time there is ever a complaint on either side is if the priorities get out of whack and too much time or money is spent on something.

I think the point is to be supportive of each other's specific interests. It's easier to be supportive of your future spouse's interests before you are married because you are all lovely dovey and want to see your beloved happy. However, those same things can become an "idol" in a marriage, taking away from what is beneficial to the couple.Scripture says in 1 Corinthians 6:12 "All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are beneficial. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be dominated by anything." While those things shouldn't be all encompassing or detract from the couple's best interest, neither should each individual forfeit what they enjoy doing. Perhaps that is why my friend put that above in place, so that neither could protest the other's diversion. It's important to find a good balance in supporting one another without becoming obsessive or dismissive.

So be cautious not to spend too much time or money on what you love that you forget who you love. Similarly, don't strip your love of the fun and interests they enjoy. If the above rule works for you, go for it. However, being supportive and exercising restraint work equally as well.

Discussion: If you made the rule above for your marriage, what would it be? Do you think you can support one another's interests in marriage? Do either of you spend too much time or money on a particular pursuit?

Prayer: Father, you have given each of us different interests and talents. We thank you for that in our beloved. We pray those interests never take priority over each other or the family budget. And we also pray we can enjoy those pursuits with self-control. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Key To A Successful Marriage

About a week ago, Daddy asked the wife of a couple who had been married for 63 years what the key was to their successful marriage. She responded, "We let each other do what we want."

Now when I first heard that, I was all, "Say what? What exactly did they do that they wanted?" My mind was thinking all kinds of crazy, wild stuff, not marriage-honoring stuff. But Brad clarified, adding the wife said, "I went shopping and got all the clothes and shoes I wanted, and he went hunting and hung out with friends." So basically she was saying that they appreciated each other's interests and let each other pursue them. So not just willy nilly doing whatever they wanted.

We do think it is important for you to foster your talents and interests and be supportive of one another in those pursuits. It's what makes you what you are. Brad loves sports, all sports, so that means the TV is regularly on some football, basketball, baseball or golf event (and with Anton home, soccer now, too). He loves to golf, hit balls at the driving range or putt around on the practice putting green. Those things are not my favorite. Quite the opposite actually. I like to shop, see movies, travel, do craftsy things ... and travel is about the only one of those Daddy wants to participate in. We do enjoy doing different things together, but we certainly have things we enjoy doing the other is not as much or even a little into. We have to be careful to let each other delight in the gifts and interests God instilled in us, while keeping our focus on one another.

When you get married, you are not supposed to cease being who you are or stop doing what you love. You may have to re-prioritize when and how you do what you love because you have another priority now, but that doesn't mean you lose what you love. While you may want to spend lots of time together, don't hesitate to allow each other to go off to do things each other enjoys. If you suppress what your beloved enjoys, that can cause resentment and bitterness. When we use the word "allow," understand we mean that from the perspective of keeping you spouses concerns, feeling and needs into consideration when you make those decisions. Don't just go off on your own and not connect with your beloved about it. It is important that you are on the same page. You need to be conscious of the time you put into your personal interests so that your spouse is not competing for your time. Philippians 2:3-4 says, "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Once you are married, you are still you, only better, because now you have someone to share your adventures, loves, interests and stories with. If they are interests that take away from your marriage or put strain on it, you may need to rethink that pursuit. Just remember what is important - love selflessly-  and you should be okay. That's the true key to a successful marriage.

Discussion: What are some interests you each have that your beloved is not really interested in? How do you feel about your beloved continuing to pursue those things after your marriage? What can you do as a couple to make sure your interests do not compete with your spouse?

Prayer: You have made us to be unique individuals. It's those traits that drew us to one another. We pray, Father, that we can enjoy what we like, but not at the expense of our spouse. Help us to prioritize to Your glory. In Christ pray. Amen.